I have been quiet since landing back in Australia, spending time with my boys and getting my house in order. Loving myself by creating the space to find my feet and get back into a routine etc. This morning I was thinking that it was time to get back out there, to start connecting with my community again.
Life is full of surprises though and you truly never know what is around the corner. Early this evening, I found out that my mum had passed away very suddenly – it appears on the night of the full moon/solstice.
As my friends or those who have read my book would know, I have been estranged from my mum since Feb 2009. But in all that time I have never stopped loving her. So tonight I sit with very mixed feelings and emotions.
She was the person who birthed me into this lifetime. Her body carried me and kept me safe for 9 months before it was time for me to start my mission here on earth. She was the first female relationship that I had despite how that relationship was.
There is so much complexity to this story and this moment is not about that aspect. Although I’m not going to shy away from it either and pretend that it was all okay. I’m just going to make a conscious choice to be in a place of love. In this moment I want to honor her as my mother and all that she gave me.
In my book I share how she taught me how to cook – how to cream butter & sugar, make Christmas pudding, make grandmas jam and so much more that I took in, in the hours I spent in the kitchen with her. My love of baking comes from her.
She taught me how to iron and clean the house. Unfortunately, I never took to her other skills of knitting and sewing – they were just not my thing!
I’m grateful for the hours she spent driving me to netball training, netball competitions locally, in Melbourne and around the State. I’m grateful for the hours she spent knitting me warm woollen jumpers and sewing me clothes when my family didn’t have much money for new ones.
Her skills from her nursing days meant that I wasn’t hospitalized – when I was sick enough to be – with glandular fever at the age of 11. Instead she cared for me at home for six weeks. Again her nursing skills were applied when as an adult I had my 4 wisdom teeth out.
Among all the moments of challenge, pain and hurt, appear moments of happiness that I did share with her. For those I am deeply grateful (the photo of the two of us is one of these rare moments in time). For reasons that only she knows, I don’t feel I really got to see or know who my mum really was. So much of her was shut off to me – it was a rare glimpse to see true joy & happiness on her face.
So many mixed emotions are running through my heart and my head. A sense of sadness, numbness, of freedom and loss sits with me tonight. A sense of freedom for mum too, that she is no longer on this earth, struggling with her own inner demons and pain. Without the journey I walked with her I would not have come home to myself and my own inner freedom.
I have always been at peace with my decision to step away from my mum and have always had a deep inner knowing that we would not resolve anything in this lifetime. But there is a part nudging me from within, the little girl perhaps, who maybe secretly wished that things could be resolved. She was my mum after all. Till we meet again mum, may you now finally find some inner peace and may you know that I loved you and always will.
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