Over the last two or three years, the period between the Autumn Equinox and Easter has seen me go through an intense death and rebirth process. It has been so intense at times I haven’t wanted to be here, the depth of what I have been feeling (both personally and collectively) almost consuming me. What this recent process has brought me home to, is a deeper understanding and acceptance of myself, it has opened up deeper states of self-love and the release of some core wounds. I have much more arising but I’m going to share this part of my recent journey for now.
This process saw a rising of a wave of ancient grief from the time of Atlantis. Sitting as a weight upon my heart for days the release began the minute I dropped my boys off to their dad. As I drove home the tears began to flow and only when I fell asleep did they stop. I awoke, my heart aching even more, to a message that I was to drive down to Sorrento Back Beach – I knew I needed to follow through and so got in the car and drove, the song “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran on repeat in the CD player.
Tears once again fell down my face, a constant stream of grief rising to the surface. The grief from the time of Atlantis when I lost my Beloved in the chaos of the downfall. I had been shown I was in a boat watching my Beloved diving down into the water and trying to save as many as he could. Until one time he did not resurface. I saw myself letting out the most blood curdling scream of pain and then time froze.
I was shown that the grief of losing my Beloved, has never left me and I’ve been trapped in that moment ever since (even though I’ve actually been in lifetimes since then with my Beloved). The grief so deep and overwhelming I’ve been unable to consciously take myself there to release it. To watch the man who shares my essence, aspects of my soul signature, who has been with me on a soul level from the beginning – before we came to Earth – taken by the water, swallowed, gone, changed me from that moment, for I left a part of my heart back in that time. At one point as I drove to Sorrento, deep heart wrenching sobs rose up from my womb and the following words came out of my mouth.
“I don’t know how to be without my Beloved”
Such a deep and ancient truth that was ready to be released – finally. Ready to be witnessed, let go of and healed.
Growing up I never felt that I needed a man. Of course, I had relationships, loved flirting and was attracted to men. But if I was on my own I was okay and I’ve spent a lot of my adult life happily on my own. A strong, independent woman who felt I could do everything for myself.
However, I have had a deep knowing for about ten years that I was to experience a deep and profound love in this lifetime. I would say that this feeling consciously emerged not long after my marriage ended and I know that my soul knew this way before my mind did. At that time, I was completely ignorant about Divine/Sacred Union or Twin Flames yet I could feel an energy that I knew was “him” without knowing who he was!
After the end of my marriage I dedicated my time and energy to working on healing and learning to love myself. I consciously chose not to date or invite a man in as I wanted to focus on myself. I did not want to continue the same patterns in future relationships. My boys were also very young, so a large part of my focus was on navigating them through the massive life change. In reality I had no capacity to give anything to anyone as I was completely and utterly empty.
As many close to me know, for the last few years, the yearning for a man, for Love has grown very strongly. For the first time in my life I have felt I needed and wanted a man – not because I need him to complete me, fill a hole in my life or because I’m not okay on my own. In fact, I do being on my own very, very well!!! No, this yearning goes so much deeper than that.
About five years ago, I felt myself drawn to working consciously in the realms of Sacred Union, focussing on coming into inner Union, healing and balancing my own masculine and feminine polarities within. Journeying deeper into the mastery of self-love, deeper into my womb and ancient core wounds.
Despite this, the love I yearn for has not shown up in my life. I’ve despaired, cried, felt hopeless. Been told I have more work to do, need to love myself more, come into inner union before it appears externally. I’ve even been told I’m being a victim. That the yearning is actually keeping this love away. That it’s all about divine timing. All of this has fed a belief I’ve held that “I’m not deserving of this love”, “I have more tests and more hoops to go through before I’ve earnt the right” “This love will never appear – it’s just a fantasy in your head”. I have felt that there is something wrong with me for having this yearning. I’ve been hard on myself and believed I’m unworthy.
As I moved through each of these “down” moments, I would find a way to pick myself up. I would look for the lesson, learn to love my life and myself more. I would turn inwards to see what belief or wound needed letting go of or healing. Yet this yearning in my heart and soul would remain and in fact it has continued to grow and nudge my consciousness. It has been a wave that has ebbed and flowed, crashing on my shore with ferocity at times in order to get my attention, only to leave when I pushed it away and return again.
My recent death and rebirth process, has finally seen me owning this yearning. Yes, all of those comments from others in the past I needed to hear. They were always taken seriously into my heart and there was some truth in what they said and it led me to love myself more.
There is no greater truth though, that it’s this yearning within me that has always been the motivator for me to have the courage to go deeper and deeper. It is the very thing that has seen me show up time and again to face my deepest wounds, my oldest fears, my traumas, my shadow, my darkness. It has kept me devoted to my path of mastering self-love/love – even in my darkest, most despairing moments when I’ve thought I cannot go on. The yearning has been the light at the end of the tunnel, the thing propelling me forward out of the darkness. Without it I would have given up long ago.
As I’ve moved through the release of deep grief, I’ve felt a deep passion and fire arising within me. I’ve felt myself putting a stake in the ground that from this moment on, I will no longer suppress or turn away from this yearning. I will no longer feel there is something wrong with me for wanting this profound love in my life, for wanting to express who I Am and what is in my heart in an external way with the masculine.
What I have come to understand, is that when I suppress or deny this yearning, I am not all of who I Am. I am not bringing my full self to every moment, in every day. I am not allowing the essence of my soul to shine brightly. When I was at Chartres Cathedral in September last year, I was standing in the centre of the labyrinth and I received the message “You are Love”. I’m not turning away from this anymore. This is who I Am.
For I have a deep knowing that I am here for so much more than just mastering self-love. I know what my Divine Mission is. I know what I have been working towards. I know what all of my lifetimes on Earth are culminating in. I know that I’m here to embody Divine Union within and without. I am here to experience the profound love of Divine Union in a relationship with a man, in the physical.
It is as much about expressing this love to another as it is about being open and willing to receive it – for this is also a journey in itself and so I am always asking if I am ready to receive this kind of love. For me it is not to remain simply as a spiritual attainment of inner union. It goes so much deeper than that. This is my truth, my inner knowing. I’m also owning, finally, that one of my gifts is my intuition, my inner knowing (something I have had from my first incarnation here on Earth) – so I’m no longer going to pick and choose when I trust it or let someone else tell me I’m wrong.
The yearning I hold in my heart and soul is there because my soul remembers my Beloved, it remembers Divine love, it remembers the physical union of the masculine and feminine in an external sense as an expression of the divinity of God. I walk forward on my path as before, with this yearning fully embraced within my heart and soul. I walk forward in full surrender knowing this Divine Union is already here. That I have never been separate from my Beloved, that it was not lost in Atlantis or any time since then. I walk forward knowing that I will get to express all the Love that is in my heart in relationship with a man. I will also gratefully receive the same back into my own heart and soul, never for a moment taking love for granted.
I know that this yearning will continue to bring me home to myself, it will continue to highlight where I still hold wounding from the past, it will continue to humble me, it will continue to open my heart up wider and wider, it will continue to teach me about unconditional love for myself and others, all the while bringing me closer to God, to Source – and for that I am deeply grateful. This is my birthright, this is my path, this is my truth and it is the gift I came here to share with all of humanity.
Jody Kalpenos 7 May 2019
Image Credit – Shutterstock
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