At the beginning of 2018 I knew what my year was going to be about. I had made a vow to dive deeper into my heart, soul and womb and in doing so to face whatever arose which turned out to be my most ancient of fears. In no way did I know then how much I would be tested and challenged in a way that would take me into those deep, dark places within me and how much I would need to reach into my personal toolkit and use everything I’ve learnt over the last 12 years to get me through.
I’ve been challenged to go within and listen to my own heart and soul’s truth many times. But the greatest challenge has been coming face to face with my most ancient and deepest fears of loss, abandonment and rejection. Fears that are mostly linked to the loss of my beloved Divine Masculine counterpart but which have also played out in my family relationships, friendship and life in general.
Diving into these fears of loss, abandonment and rejection has birthed moments when I’ve sobbed rivers of tears, grief rising up from deep within me, my heart aching for days. I’ve screamed at the Universe, angry and despairing when I haven’t understood why things are happening the way they are. While at times I’ve screamed at the Universe, I’ve also prayed.
I’ve felt exhausted on every level of my being, an ancient exhaustion borne from so many lives here on Earth, walking the path of the goddess, holding the Divine Feminine wisdom deep within my womb and mostly searching and looking for my Beloved – the one who I’ve loved from the beginning of time.
At Easter I entered an intense dark night of the soul, barely sleeping and feeling as if I could not go on. I had no reserves of hope, faith, strength or trust remaining. I had nothing to draw on to help me keep moving forward. I didn’t know if I could wake up to another day with nothing having changed. It felt as if there was a wall in front of me that was impenetrable and nothing I was doing was helping to break it down. It was a place I have not been for a while and its intensity rocked me for a quite a few days.
In amongst all of this however, I knew that I also carried within me the knowing and wisdom to move myself through and out the other side. I have built up a toolkit over many years of healing and letting go and finding my way home to myself. This year has been the year to master all that I’ve learnt in the last 12 years and to put it into practise so that my journey into the Underworld is the gift it is meant to be.
For my body I’ve gifted myself regular massage, as much to help move the energy through my physical self as to receive some nourishment and healing from having someone touch my body. Soaking in a bath, going for a run or walk have also helped my body move through the intense moments of facing these fears. Meditations, journeys, body prayers and journeying into my womb in order to access my deepest feminine wisdom has released gifts that will continue to unfold for years to come.
I’ve accessed the healing properties of essential oils, essences, colour via Aura Soma and falling asleep with crystals in my hands. Getting out of the city and into nature, surrounded by nothing but the sound of birds and the rustling of trees in the wind has allowed me to inhale deeply and relax every part of me.
Waking up and doing things that bring me joy have instilled a lightness and joy into my heart – eating gelato, reading a book, buying myself a bunch of garden roses or fresh flowers, watching a movie with my boys while eating our favourite choc tops (salted caramel all the way!), going for a drive, singing my favourite songs, getting out and appreciating all that life has to offer.
I’ve laid out under the two blood moon lunar eclipses, looked up to the stars and bathed in the moonlight. My feet have been bathed by the coolness of the ocean and the healing energy of whales has washed over me. The sun has warmed my face and skin and the flames of an open fire have calmed my mind.
In my darkest moments I’ve reached out for help earlier than I have in the past and am luckily blessed to know many gifted healers who used their skills to help me journey through, gain clarity and regain my inner balance. My closest friends have been loving, incredibly honest and called me on those ways in which I’ve spoken like a victim or been out of my own power and truth.
At Easter, despite the deep darkness I found myself in, I knew I needed to reach out to a friend and have my pain and grief witnessed. This was out of character for me as normally I wouldn’t want to burden someone with how I was feeling. However, there was a certainty within me that I needed to break through that belief.
I didn’t ask my friend to fix anything for me. I just asked her to witness me. This was no easy task for my friend as I was deeply distressed and sharing that I had thought during the night that I couldn’t keep going on. She wanted to come over immediately but I was interstate. Instead she had to believe me when I said I wouldn’t do anything, that ultimately, I loved my boys and life too much to give up. But in that particular moment it felt like it was all too much. The love and space she gave me to express my deepest heart ache and grief was an incredible gift to me. She knows who she is and I’m incredibly grateful that she answered the phone that day and simply witnessed what was true for me in that moment.
Just this week when feeling vulnerable and wobbly about a big decision I’ve recently made, I was nudged to reach out to another dear friend and she responded with the perfect words that I needed to hear, words that were felt deep within my heart. Following those nudges is something I’ve come to honour as it always leads me where I need to go.
Travel has always helped to grow, heal and transform me and 2018 has been no different. I’ve followed the signposts and gone where I’ve needed to be. Each trip gifting me medicine that has helped me along my journey. Sometimes it’s been as simple as allowing me distance and space from my day to day life in order to gain some much needed clarity.
Since returning from Europe last year I have been on an inner retreat, spending much of my non-working time on my own (or with my boys). This has felt necessary due to the space it has allowed for me to process all that has arisen around these deeply ingrained fears. Having space to wake up on my day off or on the weekend and just be or to spontaneously get in the car and go where I was called has been incredibly precious.
Diving deep into my heart, soul and womb to face my fears of loss, abandonment and rejection has gifted me deeper states of trust, faith and a stronger sense of clarity around what my purpose is in this life. All that has unfolded has been perfect in helping me to release the suffocating grip that these fears have had on me, to open my heart even wider and to reach a deeper understanding about what unconditional love looks and feels like.
This is not a journey I’ve taken on my own and I’m deeply grateful for everything and everyone who has helped me navigate all that has come up to be seen and released, including all of the guides that walk with me daily.
Love is what has been the balm and antidote to those fears. Mostly I’ve learnt to love myself through all of it, to be kind and forgiving, to extend the same compassion to me as I do to others. To love that part of me that loved so deeply and completely in the past that the loss of that love has stayed with me for lifetimes.
Yes, this is the year of mastery and I can see how every one of the last 12 years has been preparing me to face those ancient and deeply held fears while still being able to go to work, be a mum and function in the everyday material world. Gratitude for it all and here’s to knowing deep within me that, that love was never actually lost, I was never abandoned or rejected. It’s time to lay down the pain, release the fear and walk forward with an open heart, ready to receive the Love of my Beloved and to love him completely in return.
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