Embracing change in 2016 began on Boxing Day. Agitation from deep within me began to arise. I felt on edge, I felt easily triggered and my heart felt anxious. Nothing I did made this feeling go away – not changing my location, not resting, not keeping busy.
This agitation stayed within my essence for a good week or more before leaving for a few days and then revisiting me on and off for most of January. I didn’t like this feeling in my heart and I didn’t like that I could not settle myself down.
From deep within the answer to why I was feeling this way arose and that was all I had. Change is on the way.. and not just ordinary change, but big change. That feeling was not accompanied by any clarity or understanding of what that change was going to look like. I knew though that embracing change in 2016 was going to become my norm.
Change began to unfold for me in early February when I started a three-day a week admin job in the city. This is a practical step I have had to take to relieve the pressure on myself financially.
The stress of running your own business, especially a creative and heart based one can end up taking the passion and joy away if the money isn’t flowing. I had battled with this for a good 12 months or more – do I go and get another job? By getting another job am I telling the Universe I don’t believe in what I’m doing? Am I giving up on what I’m passionate about? Am I demonstrating a lack of faith?
Questions around whether my business is a long term prospect, about whether I would have the energy to put into my business after working at another job and being a single mum to two boys, about whether I would have enough time. So many questions that quite honestly exhausted me and took away my focus and passion away anyway!
Towards the end of 2015, what did begin to arise in me was a deep awareness and strong sense that I no longer wished to struggle. I was ready to thrive in all areas of my life. I wanted to really live and not be held back by anything. No more just getting by. That isn’t living to me.
What was also clear is that the time was right for me to take this step. The reason I hadn’t got a job before now (even though I had applied and been personally recommended two or three times) is that I had other things to finish first – cue, my book, rebranding, new website, my time with my dad and the inner work of the last year or two. None of this would have happened if I were working two jobs.
So, while I had felt increasingly trapped financially, I realized that all was exactly as it was meant to me. I also knew that at no time could I not keep a roof over my boy’s head or feed them. I had to learn to reach out and receive – to be vulnerable and honest about my situation, knowing that it wasn’t forever but right now I needed the support from elsewhere.
This was not easy for me to do but was a valuable lesson for me to learn. By nature I am a generous person, who loves to live and experience life and give to others when I can. It was a lesson in humility and in not taking myself down the path of shame and failure – although honestly, I nudged and looked through those doors a few times.
What has felt clear during the job interview process, is that I am now ready to be back out in the world after eight years of intensive at home, inner healing work. It’s time to balance myself back a bit. To have my masculine side supporting me three days a week by being in the city at my admin job, so my feminine side can spend two days and whatever extra time I can manage creating and working on my passion.
I am now feeling more supported and what has surprised me is how much I am loving connecting back to that part of me that used to be a part of the normal workforce.
As a single mum, working at home has had its benefits in terms of my availability for my boys and the flexibility it offered especially on school holidays and so forth. I could work right up until the moment they rode down the driveway and be there to greet them at the door.
On the flip side however, it meant I spent 90% of my time isolated and on my own – sometimes getting through a whole week without an adult conversation!
Hence, my need to get out to a café (sometimes too many times a week) just to feel connected and part of the world. I didn’t need to be with anyone as just being around adults and the buzzing vibe of life would often be enough. I know now its time for that to change and I’m blessed and very grateful that I get a lovely balance between the two.
Everything about the job and its location is perfect – for the ease of travelling and being home in time for my boys still, to it being a softer corporate vibe and not the stricter environment I used to work in, to the flexibility it offers in the workplace.
Not only that but I get to use my skills from my previous corporate career, do the work in the hours I am there and leave it behind as I step out the doors and into the elevator. As I write this I realize how much the Universe is really looking after me and I vow to myself to breathe into that more and more.
Of course, I love that next to our building in one of Melbourne’s little laneways is a choice of four cafes – small ones with lots of character. My favourite one has Angelo the Italian barista producing the perfect strength of coffee, while his beautiful sidekick remembers your order and has it written the minute you walk in – after day 1!
I love the joyful greeting and the ‘Grazie bella, ciao’ as I leave. I’m very much addicted to this little piece of Italy and Europe, which is not a great thing when I’m trying to cut down my coffee intake! But, I’m also allowing myself a window of just enjoying the experience, of feeling alive again and of interacting with joyful souls. I even love getting dressed in my office gear every day after the relaxed nature I have existed in for the last few years – many days staying in my pj’s all day while I work.
But in my vow to be authentic and speak the truth, it hasn’t all been easy. I feel exhausted by the end of my three days and have to work hard to stay focused on my business the other two or at night. I’m still finding the balance between taking care of myself and staying on top of what needs to be done for my business, my boys, after school activities, my house and all those everyday chores that women know all about.
I’m missing the ability to go with the flow that working from home every day has given me. I miss being able to act on my moments of inspiration at the point of which they happen and sitting outside to work in the sunshine.
My youngest is not coping with the change so well and has developed an innate belief that I am not going to return home, that I am going to run away. It is like regressing back to when he was a toddler, at the time when if they can’t see you they are anxious. He is constantly looking for me in the house, stressing when I am not with him, even not going to sleep because he thinks I might leave.
Quite honestly, it has been exhausting and I’m trying my best to be accepting, patient and understanding that this is an adjustment for us all as well as remembering that he is only eight. But there are times I want to scream!
On the other hand my oldest is sailing through it all and has really stepped up and embraced the extra responsibility he has. This is a surprise as normally he is the one not coping with change. It seems we are all at a different place of readiness and are all navigating our way through and adjusting.
It’s a time of walking my talk and ensuring that I carve out space for me to meditate, just ‘BE’, exercise and maintain my friendships and connections. I confess I’m no where near getting it right and I feel it will be a work in progress for the rest of the year.
What I’m sure about is that I’m not giving up on my business, on my book or my tour and other offerings. I know there is no turning back and already many exciting things are falling into place for this year in regards to the business.
So it’s a time of letting go of what can wait, of trusting that all is as it should be, having faith that my business will support the boys and I when the time is right, that my youngest will move through his anxiety and I will find a balance between doing and ‘Being’ – of self-care and nourishment for me so that I can do what needs to be done to keep moving forward.
Embracing change in 2016 is also a balancing act but I welcome it for where I know it will take me, for the places and people it will lead me to that are as yet unknown, for what it will open up for me and my boys.
All is good.
Ps. I’d love to hear how you are travelling? Has life settled down after a big 2015 or are things continuing to fall away or challenge you?
What has changed for you and are you embracing it with ease, or still navigating your way through?
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